Okay, I will admit it. I am jealous of all my friends who are able to breastfeed. I guess it bothers me a lot that I could not. When I was pregnant with my first, I had a weird outbreak of shingles that wrapped around my back and breast area. It was probably the worse experience ever and I really think it might have been the reason why I could not breastfed my children. I was so determined to breastfeed that I would have done anything. I remember the first time she latched on, it hurt and my midwives said that it should go away eventually. It never stopped hurting. I tried for two whole weeks, and I cried for two whole weeks. It was horrible and the pain was worse. I remember shaking each time she had to latch on but I kept latching her on no matter what. I remember when she would nurse, blood would be everywhere. I have never cried so much in my life and I was too stubborn to get help. It was two weeks with pretty much no nipple left, I finally came to my senses and got help. I went from lactation coaches to another, spent more than $1000 on consultation fees and at the end, I still would not have been able to breastfeed. So during a duration of 7 months, I pumped continuously to provide my first  with breast milk. I was very proud of myself because I was pumping every 4 hours and I was able to pump anywhere from 60 to 70 ounces of milk. One time though, I even pumped 90 ounces of milk. I was exhausted and I told myself that if I had another one, I would probably never breastfeed or pump. I have friends who give their children formula; I see no difference between a formula-fed baby and a breast-fed baby.

Two years later, I give birth again to another very healthy baby girl. I though two years, my breast and nipple would heal but the fear was still there. The moment I gave birth to her, I did not want to latch her on so I kept bleeding and bleeding. I was so nervous that I would not stop and my midwife was a little concerned too, especially after two shots of picotin. She advised that I latched the baby on and so we did. It did not hurt at first, I remember smiling and telling myself that maybe this time I would be able to breastfeed. Things changed after that because each time I latched her on, it hurt worse than the time before. Yet, my nipples were not cracked or bleeding. I felt as though she did have a good latch and everyone that I did asked or showed said she did have a good latch. So what was the pain from my left breast? Ah, two years ago…I had shingles covering that left breast and all the memories started flooding my brain. I knew that I needed an expert and someone who could really help me but at the time, I was just so tired. I really wanted to breastfeed so badly but I gave up. I just gave up. I did not pump or did I want to go through that again either so out of my own selfishness at the time,I gave up. Boy, do I regret that decision now.

I have a couple of friends who just gave birth and they are breastfeeding just fine. A little pain shoots through my heart. It hurts…something I really wanted to do, I could not. I feel like I am a horrible mom because I gave up so easy with my second. All those excuses in my heart and head at the time because I was too tired.

Ah, moments like these…will keep me up all night.


The Next Big Step

When I was younger, I wanted four kids and my husband wanted none. Over the years, we have compromised and now, we have two beautiful little girls. We have talked about having more children but needless to say, neither of us feel the need for more children. Yet, I feel so depressed at the fact that I will never be pregnant again or will I ever birth another child naturally. When I was pregnant, I hated the feeling of pregnancy but why do I miss it? I am very content with my family and financially, two kids is perfect; especially, the way we want to raise them. I am envious of my friends who are having boys because I feel like I am missing out on something but when I really think about it, I would not even know how to raise a boy. My house is full of stuff and I am having a hard time getting rid of all this baby stuff. When I had my first, getting rid of a lot of unused items was quite easy because I knew I would probably never use them even if we had a second child. Now that I have a second, I thought it would be easier to just get rid of all this stuff…but the truth is, I am having attachment issues.

*Sigh, tomorrow…I will start posting things online to sale off because I feel like if I do not take the first step, I will probably hold onto everything FOREVER. I guess I will just have to get over this hump in my life.