Okay, I will admit it. I am jealous of all my friends who are able to breastfeed. I guess it bothers me a lot that I could not. When I was pregnant with my first, I had a weird outbreak of shingles that wrapped around my back and breast area. It was probably the worse experience ever and I really think it might have been the reason why I could not breastfed my children. I was so determined to breastfeed that I would have done anything. I remember the first time she latched on, it hurt and my midwives said that it should go away eventually. It never stopped hurting. I tried for two whole weeks, and I cried for two whole weeks. It was horrible and the pain was worse. I remember shaking each time she had to latch on but I kept latching her on no matter what. I remember when she would nurse, blood would be everywhere. I have never cried so much in my life and I was too stubborn to get help. It was two weeks with pretty much no nipple left, I finally came to my senses and got help. I went from lactation coaches to another, spent more than $1000 on consultation fees and at the end, I still would not have been able to breastfeed. So during a duration of 7 months, I pumped continuously to provide my first  with breast milk. I was very proud of myself because I was pumping every 4 hours and I was able to pump anywhere from 60 to 70 ounces of milk. One time though, I even pumped 90 ounces of milk. I was exhausted and I told myself that if I had another one, I would probably never breastfeed or pump. I have friends who give their children formula; I see no difference between a formula-fed baby and a breast-fed baby.

Two years later, I give birth again to another very healthy baby girl. I though two years, my breast and nipple would heal but the fear was still there. The moment I gave birth to her, I did not want to latch her on so I kept bleeding and bleeding. I was so nervous that I would not stop and my midwife was a little concerned too, especially after two shots of picotin. She advised that I latched the baby on and so we did. It did not hurt at first, I remember smiling and telling myself that maybe this time I would be able to breastfeed. Things changed after that because each time I latched her on, it hurt worse than the time before. Yet, my nipples were not cracked or bleeding. I felt as though she did have a good latch and everyone that I did asked or showed said she did have a good latch. So what was the pain from my left breast? Ah, two years ago…I had shingles covering that left breast and all the memories started flooding my brain. I knew that I needed an expert and someone who could really help me but at the time, I was just so tired. I really wanted to breastfeed so badly but I gave up. I just gave up. I did not pump or did I want to go through that again either so out of my own selfishness at the time,I gave up. Boy, do I regret that decision now.

I have a couple of friends who just gave birth and they are breastfeeding just fine. A little pain shoots through my heart. It hurts…something I really wanted to do, I could not. I feel like I am a horrible mom because I gave up so easy with my second. All those excuses in my heart and head at the time because I was too tired.

Ah, moments like these…will keep me up all night.


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